My Teenage Dream Ended Read online

  Although I’m sure they had reservations about me being filmed for a national television show, I think at the time they were just happy to see me excited about something that would be like a job for me and take my focus off of Derek and being pregnant. At the time none of us knew how big the show was going to get or how enormous the impact on my life would be. I was just grateful that a door seemed to be opening for me.

  The producers liked my video, so I began going through the interview process for the show. Initially, the casting agent would call me every afternoon and we would chat about what was going on in my life—school, friends, Derek, my parents, how I felt about being pregnant. It was nice to be able to talk to someone who didn’t know me or Derek or my parents or any of my friends. I didn’t have to worry that anything I was saying would become gossip.

  It was like, even though I had never met this woman or even knew what she looked like, the casting agent was in some weird way turning into my friend. I think I really needed someone like her in my life at that point, since no one else in my life was open to talking and hearing me out without judging me. I didn’t have to walk on eggshells with her, thinking she would tell my parents if I told her I had snuck out to see Derek. She wasn’t one of my catty, gossiping cheerleader girlfriends who would spread my private business around at school.

  I guess the casting agent liked what I had to say, because after a few weeks of those chats, I got to meet with the director, and she brought a crew to film me for a while, to see what my life was like—at home, at school, at cheer practice and at work. They still weren’t sure the show would even go ahead, but they were going to use the footage they were colleting to make a reel for the show.

  WORD GETS OUT

  It was good to see how filming would work if they ended up going forward with the show and it was fun working with the camera crew. On the first day of filming, they shot me cheering at a pep rally and during the day at school.

  It was a long crazy day, with kids all over school reacting to the cameras being there; girls I barely knew or didn’t get along with acted like we were best friends, some kids acted all crazy to get the attention of the cameras, while others wanted no part and steered clear of me. Whether they wanted to be on camera or not, it seemed like everyone was talking about he fact that MTV was filming at the school.

  Because the show was brand new and still a secret, we didn’t tell anyone the real reason the cameras were following me. We just told them MTV was filming for a show they were making about the life of a teenager. But as soon as filming started, rumors that I was pregnant began to spread like wildfire. Questions were flaring everywhere. People started staring, and even asking me outright if I was pregnant. I refused to acknowledge their questions, but the gossip reached a fever pitch. It was like a news flash: “Farrah Abraham Is Pregnant!”

  Word got back to Derek pretty quickly. Although it was difficult to cut myself off completely, I was really trying to distance myself from him. I knew that my parents wanted him out of my life and now that the cameras were around I had to be very careful about when and where I saw him. That part sucked, but I knew that, basically, my parents were right. This pregnancy had already limited my future prospects and I didn’t need the drama of our relationship getting in the way of the one big opportunity I had. Not to mention the fact that I couldn’t really tell him about the show since I hadn’t even told him that I was pregnant.

  A bunch of people must have called Derek and told him that cameras were following me around, because by the time I got home that afternoon, he was calling me to ask what was going on. As soon as I answered, he jumped right in, “Hey. So my friends told me you had cameras filming you today. Is that true?”

  I knew there was no point in lying so I said, “Yes.”

  “Why are they filming you?”

  “Why do you want to know? You don’t share everything with me, Derek, so I’m not going to tell you everything.”

  “Well, some people are saying that you’re pregnant. Is that true?”

  I still wasn’t ready to tell him, so I cut the conversation short. “Who cares what people are saying? I have to go. Talk to you later.” And I hung up.

  Meanwhile, the cameras followed me around at school, filming me with my friends and at cheer practice. At this point, I was trying to balance regaining my parents trust (since they didn’t want me with Derek anymore) with maintaining a connection with Derek so that when he was ready to change we could pick up the pieces and be a family. I told my parents that I wasn’t seeing him anymore and I made it clear to the producers that my parents weren’t okay with Derek being a part of my story. I would avoid picking up his calls when I was filming. I never hung out with him or talked to him on camera, and I didn’t tell my friends or family that we were still talking.

  In those early days of filming, Derek called me non-stop. At first, I didn’t answer—I just read his texts and listened to his voicemails—but he kept calling, demanding to know why they were filming and if I was really pregnant. He never asked if the baby was his, just if the rumor was true. It was like he was buying into the gossip like everyone else, and not that he had had a part to play in what was going on.

  I hated that this was how Derek was asking me about the pregnancy; like once he had heard through the grapevine, then it was okay to ask me. He should have been the one person I was able to confide in, but he was only coming forward now that I had cameras filming me and rumors were all over the school. It sucked, but I tried to keep my head up.

  I didn’t want him to be just another person asking me or judging me. I wanted him to step up and say, “I know the baby’s mine and I’m going to be there for you. I love you.” But that never happened. The reality of my situation made me sad. Instead of having a close and loving relationship with my baby’s father and him being emotionally supportive, he was only interested now that the gossip had started. That wasn’t okay with me and it wasn’t good enough for my baby.

  Finally, one day, I couldn’t take it anymore and I called him back. I was by the stairs in the basement at my house, so the cameras wouldn’t see me, and no one would overhear. Derek picked up and asked what I was up to.

  I kept it short. “Just trying to graduate.”

  Then he got to the point, “So I keep hearing you’re pregnant. Are you?”

  I didn’t want to tell him. I felt like he didn’t really care.

  “No.” I lied.

  “Then why would everyone be saying that you’re pregnant?”

  “People like to gossip, I guess. I gotta go.”

  Derek started to say, “Why won’t you talk to me?” but I hung up.

  I felt like his last question was a no brainer. Why would I want to talk to someone who wasn’t there for me? He should have shown concern for me months ago, when I called him from cheer camp and told him I had missed my period, instead of blowing it off like he had. Now, I felt like he was just harassing me to confirm the rumors like everyone else around me.

  It went on like this for a while. Derek calling, demanding to know what was going on, and me sneaking around to call him back but avoiding telling him the truth. I should have cut it off with him completely, but, as hurt and as angry as I was, there was still a huge part of me that loved him and hoped he would change. I just wanted things to work out for us.

  I didn’t tell the producers when he would call, but I felt like they really wanted to catch me talking to Derek. They finally did film one of these conversations and, sure enough, he came across as jealous and crazy in that footage. I still have a hard time watching that moment. That wasn’t who Derek really was. I hate that no one really knows what we were like when we were together and in love, before things got so complicated.

  After the production crew left there was a month or so when everyone was in limbo, figuring out if the show was actually going to be made. In the meantime, I juggled a job, cheer practice, and early college classes.

  DONE WITH PROMS

  I decide
d not to go to my prom. I had always dreamed of going to my Senior Prom—the perfect dress, the perfect date, the perfect night—but by the time I was a senior, my life was nothing like I had imagined it would be. I had already gone to two proms, was going to graduate early, and was pregnant with no boyfriend; not at all how I pictured my senior year would play out. My baby was due in February and prom was in May, so I could have gone, but I felt like buying

  everything I needed for prom would have been a waste of money. With a baby on the way, I needed to save that money for more important things.

  So, instead I went to a homecoming dance with a guy friend of mine, who I had worked with at the restaurant. I had agreed to go because I thought it might be my last chance to go to a fun school dance, but I hadn’t felt like dancing very much, probably because I was pregnant. Even though you couldn’t really tell in my dress, I felt awkward; pregnant girls shouldn’t be at homecoming, especially with some guy who isn’t the baby’s dad.

  It was awkward for my friend, too. He kept probing me about who the dad was. All I wanted to do was go out and forget that my teenage life was about to end, so I ignored all of his serious talk and avoided his questions. We took pictures and hung out with some people—his group of friends. Since we went to different schools, I didn’t know anyone at the dance, which was a nice change. I was tired of being in the middle of all the drama at my school. I tried to have a fun night, but in the end I realized I was just over the whole high school dance scene.

  After homecoming, we didn’t stay friends long because he still worked at the restaurant with Derek and that became an issue. I was sorry to lose him as a friend because he was one of the few guy friends I had left at that point.

  I had quit working at the resataurant after I found out I was pregnant. I missed working there, but I didn’t miss all the drama that came along with working with Derek. One night after I had gone out to to dinner with my friend, we stopped by the restaurant so that he could check his schedule for work. I decided to go in with him to say “hi” to the girls that I used to host with.

  At first it was fun and exciting to be in there again, but that changed superquick when I saw my old manager. I had missed her, so I went up to her and said, “Hi, how are you?”

  I was expecting a warm welcome, but instead she snapped, “You need to get out of here now! Leave!”

  I was taken aback and shocked. “Why? What did I do?”

  She gave me a look. “You know what you’re doing. Leave!”

  So I didn’t say goodbye to anyone, I just walked out. My friend was still in the restaurant checking his schedule and he had driven, so I started walking to his car. I couldn’t understand my old boss’s reaction. I hadn’t done anything wrong, but I felt like I wasn’t welcome there anymore.

  When I was halfway back to the car, I heard two guys yelling.

  It sounded like they were starting to fight. I looked back and saw Derek following my friend out from the restaurant. My friend walked up to me and said, “Keep walking,” and we made a beeline for his car. Derek kept following behind us, yelling at my friend. He didn’t even acknowledge that I was there, which pissed me off. He wouldn’t acknowledge my presence, yet he wanted to fight my friend.

  As we stopped to cross the street, Derek shouted, “Ah man, I just want to beat your ass.”

  I was so mad that Derek wasn’t giving me any attention that I wanted to say something, anything, to piss him off. I started yelling, “Why don’t you just do it then, Derek? But you’re not going to do anything, are you? So shut up.”

  My friend shushed me, “Farrah, shhh! Just quit talking. I’m not going to fight.”

  As soon as we were able, we ran across the street, while Derek stood on the opposite sidewalk, still shouting threats.

  When we got in the car, I asked what happened.

  “Derek told the manager that we came in there on purpose to fight. He’s mad because he thinks we’re dating.”

  “Well, he could’ve asked me, instead of trying to fight you and getting me kicked out.” I knew after this, my friend wouldn’t want to hang out with me anymore. I thought about how stupidly Derek had acted. I just wished he had talked to me, instead of starting a fight. I wanted to explain everything to him, but I knew it would be a mistake to call him.

  FROM BAD TO WORSE

  By October, the film crew had gone. They were waiting to get the green light on the show and were hoping to come back and film again when I was more visibly pregnant. At that point, I was almost five months along and, even though I didn’t show enough for the cameras to pick up, my body was definitely changing. My belly was starting to poke out and I couldn’t fit into my cute jeans anymore, so I had started wearing sweats and t-shirts every day. I hated dressing down and feeling like I was losing my cute little teenage body.

  By now I was hating school, too. I was sick of being the center of gossip and just wanted to be done. I had no friends and I was short with people who tried to talk to me because I felt so disconnected from other kids my age. I didn’t do anything like a regular teenager anymore. I went to school for half a day, went to work, took college classes at night and on weekends, and went to bed early most nights.

  Now that my life had changed so much, I realized it was time to quit the cheer team. It all seemed so fake and hypocritical to me now. Our cheer coaches would preach leadership and doing the right thing, but it seemed to me now that the culture of cheerleading (which involves a lot of gossip and competing for popularity) was the opposite of that. It seemed to me to be a culture dominated by bitchy immature girls, obsessing over boys, causing fights, and acting cool. I felt mature enough to be a leader and take on real responsibility. So it was time to let all of that go.

  Making that decision felt even more right after I got the news that the film crew had received the go-ahead to come back to finish filming for the show. One afternoon while I was at practice, my phone rang. I answered and it was one of the assistants from the production company calling with the good news. I was happy to have the opportunity to change my life, happy to be occupied with something constructive and positive, and happy to have something to take my mind off of Derek.

  I was psyched that I was going to be on TV. It felt like the one good thing that was happening to me in what had been a very difficult fall. I knew I didn’t want any negativity in my life and being on the cheer team had become a very negative experience for me.

  The night I quit the cheer team, I went home and decided to throw away a bunch of my old high school photos and things that had a connection with that time in my life. I wasn’t that girl anymore. I didn’t have those same friends. I wanted to be free of that old life. While I was emptying out a drawer of old junk, I found Derek’s swim goggles and some photos he had given me. Suddenly all the anger I had been swallowing came rushing up. I called Derek and told him to come get his stuff.

  (I could have just thrown it all away, but honestly, I just wanted an excuse to see Derek. It had been a while and I missed him so much.)

  Derek said he would come over and we hung up. My parents were downstairs in their room in the basement which is towards the back of the house, so I knew they wouldn’t hear Derek coming in, and I justified that I didn’t need to tell them that he was coming over just to grab his stuff and leave. Pretty soon I heard him knocking on the front door. I let him in and we walked back up to my room on the third floor.

  I said, “Here you go,” and handed him his things. He looked at them and seemed to be a little bit taken aback that I was returning the photos.

  “I’m not taking these back. You can just throw them away,” he said.

  “Fine. I will.”

  Derek knew I said that to hurt him, but he didn’t get upset. He also didn’t leave. Instead he leaned over and kissed me. It was like a jolt of electricity running through my body. I knew this was completely wrong. I should have pushed him away and told him to get out. But I was lonely and weak. I knew Derek wanted to have sex and I
thought, I’m already pregnant, so I have nothing to lose. I can’t get more pregnant.

  I was totally about to cave, but before things could go much further, my dad walked in. Derek and I immediately sprang apart. I walked to the other side of the bed and Derek stayed where he was. I looked at my dad and it was like he had snapped. He had this crazy-eyed look, and he was holding a knife in his hand.

  I was freaking out. I thought, I’m pregnant and my dad is holding a knife and threatening my baby’s daddy and now there is no chance of us ever getting back together.

  I said to my dad, “Michael, what are you doing with a knife?”

  Derek grabbed our house phone. “I’m calling the police.”

  And then my dad pulled out his cell phone and he called the police, too.

  It all happened so quickly. A minute later, the police arrived. My dad ran to the front door and began telling his version of what had happened. Then Derek told his version. Their stories didn’t match up because both of them were lying. My dad said Derek was having sex with me, which, if given more time, could have happened, but hadn’t. Derek said he came over to watch a movie, which was way off.

  So I told the police what had really happened. They weren’t happy with me for inviting Derek over and not telling my parents and they told Derek he was not allowed to be at my house ever again. But the worst part was that, since he had been holding a knife, they arrested my dad and took him to jail.

  I was left to deal with the fallout, but I guess I was mostly to blame. About fifteen minutes later my dad called me from jail and told me to get my mom to come bail him out. Somehow she had slept through all the chaos and had no idea what my dad had done or that Derek had even been over.

  I woke my mom up and told her what had happened, but she said she wasn’t going to bail my dad out. From that I gathered that my mom and dad were probably in a fight. Since my mom wouldn’t pay my dad’s bail, I called Derek and told him he should pay it. I felt that this was really all his fault for trying to have sex with me in my house again. On the phone he sounded like he understood, so the next morning I waited for him to come get me before school so we could go bail my dad out but he never showed up.